Things have changed in college station. New Pepsi machines. New people. and for some of us, a new ministry. I was hoping the new could complement the old, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way. Today is my birthday, and to me, it serves as a checkpoint in measuring the change that I’ve undergone since last year. A year ago, my biggest worry was making sure that every Asian American freshman I met would know community, and through those multiple interactions, they would successfully be engaged in AAIV. Today, my biggest concern is making sure that any and every person I come across knows or as heard of the Gospel. I feel inadequate and unprepared to try and attain this goal right now, like the goal is too big.
Satan’s definitely trying to get in the way; I believe he’s actually trying to use our movement in a sinister way to draw my eyes away from God. Since Launch Week for Epic and NSO for AAIV coincide, it’s only natural that we end up drawing some of the same people to our events. The outcome is this innate feeling of competition that I have to fend off every few hours due to this petty humane concept of success. For example: “the more people I get to our events, the more successful our organization will be at reaching the campus” or mayhaps, “If we’re able to get rid of all our flyers, there will be more people who want to join Epic.” Satan is attacking all of us using our own fellowships and shifting our focus to a desperation of numbers.
But, like I said, this feeling is something that I continue to struggle with. God however, has been faithful by essentially giving self-corrective lenses. I feel blessed to have a God [who] Always Provides (GAP). I know that Epic is meant to serve this campus in amazing ways because the impact and fruit that have sprouted so far are already something I could have never imagined. But just like many other things, there are areas that aren’t under my control. I think the biggest one is how others view Epic. “Why is Epic starting up?” “Do we really need another fellowship?” “Why don’t we just work with AAIV?” “I think that it’s a little bit selfish why it’s starting?” “Whats the difference between Epic and AAIV?” A few times today, I was a bit saddened after reflecting on the behavior of some of my friends over the past 10 days or so. I’ve seen and heard AAIV vision casting at our Epic events. There seems to be this necessary distinct delineation of what people are serving and who is in which fellowship. I feel like the whole-y church concept of serving our campus is crumbling with this distorted evil-imbued mindset. I think personally, I’m just really disheartened by the attitude some of the people I call my friends have for Epic. Maybe we are both lacking empathy for the other, or maybe we’re just solely focused on serving the campus at the moment and cannot find time for each other (both of which are completely understandable). It just feels like my friends have a slight disapproval of me now that God has called me to Epic, and I don’t know how we can overcome this tension and focus on serving the Campus through our relationships with Him.
I think I feel strong about it today mostly because today is my birthday. I have a checkpoint to compare the change over the course of a year. A year ago, I was eating at Texas Roadhouse for my birthday with a huge group of friends and a great birthday celebration. Today, I’ll probably end up eating ramen in my dorm with the 5 other epic leaders planning our first Epic Informational Meeting. Haha, you don’t have to feel bad for me or anything; that’s the last thing I want. My eyes are on the prize of God. I’ve realized that I can continue to run from God when he calls me to do something, but I can never outrun Him. I’ll admit these thoughts of mass attention from my friends are very selfish, and I’ll continue to fight against them. I just wish my friends would be my friends and not treat me as taboo.
For my birthday, the only thing I want is my friend(s) back.