i miss… this.

honesty, devotion, dependence, jealousy, sharing, humility, reverence, time management, focus, balance:: Equilibrium

I want all of those, but at most, at any one time, at best, I might have 2 out of the 9. I know I do this, I look around at the people who surround me and compare myself to them for each of these dimensions. I’ve been learning lessons in each of these areas for some time. I feel like God is continually trying me. He might say any of the following:

“will you be as honest with you are blunt to your friends?”

“what are devoting yourself to? you? or me?”

“how much more time will you spend watching tv, instead of with me?”

and my personal favorite:

“do you want Me, or do you want something better?”

He is testing me daily, in the smallest things because in the smallest things, we can see the biggest change in ourselves. prayer, fasting, devotion. intention, thoughts, hopes, feelings. I long for equilibrium, but I probably won’t have that balance for a very very long time. til then, I can only rejoice in the lessons that I am presented. things like, learning to share less. limiting conversation. delegating time to ministry. honest with myself. not being jealous? balancing social life and academics. all of these seem so simple, yet so hard at times. 

I want; want so hard. I miss… that. 

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