frustrated prayers

the other day, someone mentioned to me that they were frustrated with me. they were saying that they wanted me to notice something, or wanted me to do something, or wanted me to say something? I didn’t really understand what they were trying to say. Honestly, I STILL don’t know what they meant. they won’t tell me. I believe they call this ineptitude on my part and stubbornness on their part. Lack of communication. yes, I feel guilty. 

what I am more concerned about is how they refuse to tell me what was irritating them. another friend approached me today and mentioned that lately i’ve just been closed off and some of my comments have been aggravating to her. Because I haven’t been sharing with people, I’ve grown to be very direct with my comments and less compassionate in my speech. I really do appreciate her telling me the truth, and yes, I feel guilty.

Guilt; it’s one extremely common human affect. In contrast to shame, guilt is actually constructive and focuses more on making amends and apology. Conversely, guilt is mostly only associated with close relationships. heh friends, family; the only people who can build you up and tear you down. But feeling guilty just makes frustrated. I really think I’ve just been impatient. Impatient with others. Impatient with myself. Impatient with God. just Frustrated… 

What leads us to be frustrated? is it impatience with the spirit? I know for myself, when I make plans and they are tragically wrecked, I get frustrated. I try my best to bottle it up until it has to come up. This year my goal is to internalize any pressure I have and go to God for relief. Honestly, it isn’t going well. I naturally vent. I always have. Social Psychology calls this the ‘catharsis theory’, which states that expressing negative emotion produces a healthy release of those emotions – good for the psyche. But instead of venting, I’ve been trying to get rid of the anger — relaxing. it hasn’t been working though; 

EDIT: I’m so thankful for Esther’s talk today at LG. I can honestly tell her that God moved through her and I can say that so confidently because I know God was speaking through her to get to me. her main point was.. pray eagerly. Prayer is for everyone, for anyone, because prayer is that powerful. Even through my frustration, prayer is the one thing that break down the walls of anguish. even if I can’t talk to others, prayer is my release. There isn’t a need to be frustrated or to keep any animosity. There isn’t a need to be guilty. God has his plan. Do I believe in His authority? 

haha, I guess ultimately, when I don’t go to Him, he still draws me back. ironic isnt it?

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