I want people to see the real me. At least, most of the time I do. I want them to know and recognize who I really am, as long as it doesn’t shed negative light on who I am. There are only a few things that I don’t particularly enjoy sharing with a people I know. However, there is very little that I am averse to sharing with a complete stranger (or at least someone who isn’t a close friend or someone I see frequently).
In the church, we call this transparency. When our transparency hinders our ability to be honest with God, we are told to be “real with Him.” This doesn’t mean that we don’t or shouldn’t care about what others think of us, but it does mean that affirmation from other people shouldn’t be an idol we hold onto. When I seek the approval and acceptance from people, the satisfaction I’ll receive from that will eventually die, and I will be left feeling empty because love from a source not eternal and perfect is fleeting.
Lately, I have been feeling pretty distant and disconnected from people I’m around. At school, I’ve developed some friends that I like and get along with, but I’ve grown a bit distant from them this semester and the end of the last. I don’t really spend much time with them outside of my classes because I invest my time more in people at church. At church however, I don’t really connect that well with people there too. I mean, I feel accepted (and at times cared for), but the word I’d use to describe my overall standing with the people in my general age group is I don’t feel included. I believe they’ve developed relationships for many years and it’s difficult to feel like I’m part of something after only joining them maybe 8 months ago.
I love both groups, but I’m not really part of either. I’m not distressed over a lack of friends, but it crosses my mind from time to time. I wonder if this is something that I need to fix – to stop caring about what others think and find joy in my relationship with the Lord – or if this is something that I should stand pat on. I don’t feel disrespected or hurt, but perhaps ignored. When I feel this way, it’s definitely difficult to motivate myself to be transparent and open. I don’t want to trust people I don’t feel loved by; that’s just the name of the game.
On a lighter note, I’m looking forward to volleyball these next two weeks.