I got to hang out with Josh today. Good guy, great friend, something I haven’t necessarily always been toward him. But still, God finds ways to speak through him.
He said something that I’m still pondering: “Now that I’ve gotten older, I feel like it’s okay to be a little bit selfish.” What did he mean by that?
As I think about it, this past year, I exerted a lot of energy doing exactly what I thought I was supposed to do. What I thought I was supposed to do was often influenced by expectations others set before me, mostly having to do priorities and where my time was allocated. Sometimes I set those expectations myself because I have a tendency to try and do “the right thing”
For instance, As a church member, I felt the obligation to be at church. If I had free time, instead trying to hang out with friends I already had, I was supposed to invest in relationships with people at my church. After class, if I got out early, I could go to church, “study” there, and then go home for dinner later. The problem was, I didn’t get the dedicated study time and spent most of it playing settlers at church begrudgingly because I knew I shouldn’t be there.
The list can keep going to talk about bible study, investing time in non-believers at school, studying with a study group, discipleship, and even witnessing to my parents. There are so many things that I do because I feel like I’m supposed to do them. At its very core, it feels very legalistic and law-based. So, as I think about it, what does my heart want? What do I want to do? Who do I want to invest in?
So… Here’s a list of the possible commitments I can make this year.
- UH Epic Launch (details still unknown)
- FCO (i don’t feel like my heart is into it, but I really like my friends)
- Discipling Matthan Fridays(already committed, and I want to)
- Discipleship with James (definitely want to)
- Discipling Jonathan’s Friend (not sure if able, and not sure if the heart is there)
- Teaching Sunday School (More out of obligation because I’m supposed to serve somewhere at church, low maintenance/demand, I don’t feel like teaching is my gift, and I don’t want to let James down)
- Volleyball Thursdays (I see a real possibility of developing ministry here, and my heart is really invested in this)
- Small Group Wednesdays (I really like the community I have with these people, but concerned about how late it goes)
- Tennis with my dad Tuesday(just spending time with him, good for exercise), good for his activity)
And all that on top of school. Clearly, I don’t intend to do all those things; maybe half of them at best. But, as I was telling Jonathan today, I think I really need to check my heart. How can I be more selfish with my time and care for my needs and desires? What does my heart really yearn for? And What is God really telling me to do?
I don’t really know, but I am excited to find out.